


Soldier On | Part I |

by Matsukisama



Series: Soldier On [KakaYama love series - Post 4th Shinobi War] [1]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Canon Universe, Cliffhangers, First Kiss, Friends to Lovers, Hokage Hatake Kakashi, Is Kakashi's beauty mark a kink?, KakaYama - Freeform, M/M, Misunderstandings, Part 1 cos these two have baggage, Romance, Series, Slow Burn, YamaKaka - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-02
Updated: 2020-09-13
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:41:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 14,087
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26254324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Matsukisama/pseuds/Matsukisama
Summary: NOTE: This is Part 1 of a series. Part 2 is currently on-going.Set post 4th Shinobi War. Kakashi is 10 months into his new role as Rokudaime Hokage. Seeing the changes in the new generation shinobi, he wonders if he is deserving of more than life granted him thus far. Meanwhile, Yamato, struggling to come to terms with his role in the war, returns to the village after months away on an on-going mission. They hadn't seen each other in a long time, when they meet a lot of memories and emotions that had been locked away over the years come to surfice.
Relationships: Hatake Kakashi/Yamato | Tenzou
Series: Soldier On [KakaYama love series - Post 4th Shinobi War] [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1928056
Comments: 30
Kudos: 89





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I have a very loose idea of where I want to go with this (hence the chapter being short), so althought I put a mature tag on this work, I'm still unsure there will be any. Knowing myself, however, things can go from comedy to angst to porn. So fingers cross we all get what we want from this :)
> 
> Note: There is no mature content here, but it is tagged as such cos Part II will have it. 
> 
> Edit - 14th Sep: I decided to write a 'Part II', as there is a lot more story to tell. So check out the series :)

The sound of pages turning, the dragging of his pen along countless sheets, the smell of paper and dust that, unavoidably, gathered around the piles of books, reports and requests that kept amassing around him, summed up his days as a Hokage. A man in his early 30s, a genius ninja who survived two Shinobi wars, Kakashi was finding this particular job to be the most tiring yet.

Leaning forward slightly, he reached out a hand to rub his lower back. “Hm…” he moaned in discomfort and closed his fingers into a fist, pressing the knuckles against his spine. I’m getting old, he thought, closing his eyes as he began to rock the chair. The motion was somewhat soothing his pain, so in-spite of the warning squeaks the chair continue to give out, Kakashi didn’t stop.

“Ahh… This feels goo–“

Before the Rokudaime could finish his sentence, the chair yelped a loud and final creak, snapping backwards, the headrest slamming against the curved window frame behind it. Kakashi didn’t react, his right hand still locked between him and the back of the chair. He had always complaining that his desk didn’t face the window, which stopped him from enjoying the view, but he was grateful for it now, as its position avoided an even more pathetic accident.

He found himself looking up, facing the night sky. So, it was that dark already, hm? Sighing quietly, he slowly moved his hand off his back and let his arms hang down the sides of the chair. The day was already gone by without him noticing, yet again. Kakashi had always been a man of action, so sitting around doing paperwork wasn’t something he could get used to so easily. He had come to the conclusion this Hokage business didn’t suit him even before he accepted the role, but that was what the village needed, and he complied.

The war was over, his Sharingan was gone, there were more ninjas now than missions to assign and most were transferred to help with the reconstruction of Konoha and other allied villages. There was no need for him to be doing anything else, but this.

“Still…” he said in a somber tone, closing his left eye out of habit. That was how he saw the world for almost 20 years, even if Obito’s eye was no longer there, having his regular eyesight back didn’t feel that regular. Nothing about his life now felt regular.

Before he could drown himself into an internal existentialist debate, Kakashi carefully stood up from the broken chair, making no attempt to access the damage. Instead, he stepped towards his desk and, with his foot, opened the bottom drawer. “There you are…” he said at the sight of the small dark-green covered book. Sure, his job was boring and brain numbing, but it did grant him opportunities missions didn’t, such as free time alone with a book.

Due to the many days and nights spent in the Hokage office, especially when he was still acclimatising to his Rokudaime title, Kakashi used his newly found power to get a sofa and other comforting decor to populate the vastly empty space of that unnecessary large room. The sofa became particularly helpful in days like these, when he was so caught up with work that he forgot he had a home to go back to.

He piled a couple of cushions on one side, and laid down with his book. For a long time he’d held onto this copy. Naruto himself had given it to him, an early copy he got from his other sensei. Their world destabilised quite fast after that, and Kakashi–if he found time to read it–could never focus on it. This was Jiraya-sama’s last work, it deserved some respect.

Taking a deep breath, he opened the book on its last chapter. Tonight would be the night he would finish Icha Icha Tactics.

+++

By the time Yamato reached Konoha, it was already very late. The lights were off in most homes, many he himself built after the destruction of the village. Those were things he took pride in, as simple as they were. He wondered, however, if people living in them remembered him at all.

Until he left the Anbu to take over Team 7 while his senpai was injured, the great majority of people had no idea he even existed, and deep down, he continued to feel as if he didn’t and sometimes wished that also. The balance of war tipped in favour of their enemies because of him, because of the same power that was able to build homes in a second rather than weeks. If he hadn’t existed…

Yamato halted. There was nothing to be gained from where is mind was trying to take him, besides, he still had work to do and a long journey back to Orochimaru’s hideout the following morning. Pushing back his dark thoughts to deeper corners of his mind, the former Anbu continued towards his long abandon home.

As he walked along the main street, Yamato looked at the distant Academy building and noticed that a dimmed light seemed to still be on in the administrative section. Maybe someone was still in. That would definitely save him the trouble of coming round tomorrow when the offices would be busy.

Taking a detour, the Jōnin made his way to the Academy gates. They were still slightly open, which was a relief. Although locked doors couldn’t stop him, breaking into anywhere wasn’t a rule he was willing to break on a whim. He squeezed in and made his way up to the top floor. The building was so quiet that he began to think someone just didn’t lock the gates and forgot the lights on. It was unlikely, but they were in a peaceful period right now… and Kakashi-senpai was Hokage, so who knew…

The idea of his senpai as the Rokudaime brought a little smile to his face. Because of his on-going mission of keeping tabs on Oroshimaru, Yamato hadn’t been back to Konoha in a long while, and the last time, Kakashi-senpai had just stepped into his new role. It was amusing to see how uncomfortable he looked with the honorifics that accompanied the title, and even Yamato himself dropped a sama here and there as a joke. Kakashi-senpai’s reaction was, for lack of better word, cute.

The war had just ended back then. In a couple of months, Tsunade-sama stepped down, Kakashi-senpai became Rokudaime, and Yamato was left with memories of this life he never lived, thanks to the dream world imposed upon him. He knew nothing about what happened, what they all went through. A feeling of detachment began to seed inside him, and he offered himself to follow Orochimaru. The furthest and unending mission. It kept him away from the village and the people in it.

Whenever Yamato came around, this growing angst would stir him away from the people he once knew. He tried not to ponder too much over it, but it was a combination of both hurt and guilt. So conversations were short, mission related, and excuses to promptly leave were urgent and vast. Tonight, it was perfect, even if Kakashi-senpai was in, it was too late for idle chat.

When he reached the Hokage’s office door, Yamato raised a hand to knock, but instead, he opened the door slowly and as quietly as possible. If Kakashi-senpai was sleeping, he could just leave the scroll Orochimaru sent and leave without having to exchange a word. His decision to avoid the important people in his life cut him deep, but it had been so long, he didn’t know how to look at them anymore.

“Excuse me…” he said in a hushed tone, “… I have a delivery.” The Hokage chair was empty. So, they did forget the lights ona fter all, he thought, opening the door further, walking into the room.

“This place has changed,” he looked around at the decor as he made it to the desk. The furniture didn’t match and the room itself looked messy, even the shoes where left there, as if kicked off the Hokage’s feet. “Senpai… you let this place go, you need a maid.”

“The position is open, if you wanna take it.”

Yamato gasped as his heart skipped a beat. He turned around to see a barefoot and maskless figure yawning by the door.

“Senpai!” Yamato said, his eyes widening in surprise. It had been almost a year since they laid eyes on each other, but it had been even longer since he had seen that man without his mask. It wasn’t a sight Yamato had readied himself for, so further words failed him.

Kakashi raised a hand and smiled. “Yo, Tenzō.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kakashi is surprised by Yamato's sudden visit in the middle of the night and wonders why he hadn't seen his in such a long time. Despite wanting to keep his visit briefly, Yamato ends up talking about his the war and, thanks to his senpai, the atmosphere takes a very strange turn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just noticed that that Archive doesn't save my formated text when I paste it from Scrivener, so if there is anything that looks like it should be in italics, it's because it probably is. I'll be fixing as I see it, bear with me.

Mask or no mask, Kakashi’s face hardly ever gave away his state of mind. Expressing his emotions was definitely not his forte. He was, after all, a reserved man. However surprising the sight of Tenzō looming over his desk in the wee hours of the morning was, he calmly walked back into the room, adjusting himself to look slightly more respectable.

“How unusual, you showing up like that…,” he said, grabbing a cushion from the sofa and fixing it on his back as he sat down.

“Sorry about that,” Yamato picked up the scroll he had just placed on the desk and tried handing it to the Hokage, who glanced at it but made no attempt to take it off the other’s hand. “I saw the lights on… thought I would make this–“

“Are you really handing me work at 1am?” he looked up at Tenzō with uninterested eyes, wondering whether or not that scroll was of such high importance it needed to be there in the middle of the night.

Yamato chuckled lightly. “So this is a 9 to 5 position, uh?”

“It’s what I’ve been told,” Kakashi said, dropping his shoulder and slouching into his terrible posture.

“Then… shall I tell you about it at least?” Yamato put the scroll back on the desk. “Don’t ask me to leave a note regarding this, Rokudaime-sama.”

Although he cringed at being called _sama_ , Kakashi said nothing concerning the honorific nor the scroll. He hadn’t seen Tenzō is so many months, he was still looking at him, not quite believing he was standing there. _What has he been up to?_ He thought, as the other began to explain about whatever. Kakashi didn’t really care. He was tired, it was late. The Icha Icha Tactics laid beside him on the sofa, a few pages to the end. But why did it take so long for Tenzō to return?

“… so he left his findings here. I believe, well,… he believes you will know who to share this information with.”

It was clear that Tenzō was avoiding coming back to Konoha, but why? No one in their right mind could cope with 9 months of babysitting the likes of Orochimaru, especially alone in the woods, no matter how great he could make those camps of his.

“Senpai?”

_No one in their right mind, hm…_

“Kakashi-senpai!!” Yamato leaned forwarded waved his hand in front of Kakashi’s face. “Are you listening to me?”

“Tenzō…”

“Uh?” He sounded in frustration.

“I’m pulling you from that mission.” Kakashi said, surprising himself at the impulsive decision, so unlike him to act without a plan.

“What?” Yamato’s brows furrowed. “But Orochimaru–“

“Orochimaru needs supervision, I know” He said. It was impossible to keep that man locked up, they all knew that, so someone had to keep an eye on him to make sure his experiments were kept at humane levels. “It doesn’t have to be you.”

“I don’t mind it being me.” Yamato insisted with a slight panic tone in his voice. “Besides, I’m possibly the only Jōnin who can be on a constant stake-out.”

Kakashi was very aware of that. He was also quite aware of the other’s past, which happened to be even worst than his own. Like Kakashi himself, he lost everyone, but whereas Kakashi still had a grave for his father, his mother, and a name given to him by his parents, the other didn’t. His identity was also lost. To this day, the names used by everyone, Yamato, was made up, just like Kinoe… just like Tenzō.

There was no clear explanation as to why the Hokage took a shine to him back when they were both just children. He told himself at the time that a Mokuton user was an indispensable asset to the village and let him go, even tho he did try to kill him twice. Once in an plot against the Sandaime, and the other to steal his Sharingan. After that, Kakashi decided to save him from the Root, and took him under his wing as an Anbu. He was known, then, as Tenzō.

“The decision has been made,” Kakashi stood up, but not before making noises like an old man and holding his palm against his lower back. “Let me see who I can assign to this mission.”

“I refuse.” Yamato said persistently, but in the end he knew it wasn’t up to him. “What other mission do you have for me? It’s not like there is a lot to do around here anymore.”

“You said it yourself, I need a maid” Kakashi smiled and planted a heavy hand on Tenzō’s shoulder, his back feeling even tighter than before. “Ugh, maybe a masseuse.”

“I’ve been away for 9 months, right?” Yamato smiled and allowed Kakashi to shift his weight onto him. “Cos you sure look like you’ve aged a couple of decades and I’m not ready to be a geriatric carer, senpai.”

“How does Nanadaime sound?” Kakashi sat on the desk and pulled a ledger from under the pile. “It’s a 9 to 5 job 20% of the time, great pay, hardly any days off, no life insurance and zero worklife balance, certain death before you turn 40. It’s a shinobi’s dream job.” Tenzō’s presence was comforting, Kakashi always felt he could speak more than the necessary when he was around. They had similar sense of humour and had a deeper understanding for one another. “You can take over from me until Naruto is ready, and in no time you’ll have aged just as mush as I have.”

“You would be a terrible sale’s person,” Yamato smile widened.

“Is that so?” Kakashi pointed at the robe and the had resting on the cloak hanger. “You get those for free. Convinced yet?”

“Tempting, but it’s impossible.”

“How so?” Kakashi flicked through the missions ledger to try and find the one Tenzō had been assigned to. He was probably not even Hokage back then.

“The Hokage title is for heroes,” Yamato said after giving it a moment’s thought. “Not for those who aided enemy forces, voluntarily or otherwise.”

 _So… that’s why_. Kakashi said to himself and continued turning pages, but he had already stopped reading. So those were the thoughts Tenzō had lingering in his head all along. No wonder he was staying away. As the allied forces prepared for war, Tenzō was captured while keeping Naruto safe. If anything, the fault lied with Konoha being unable to find him before the war broke out. However, not knowing whether he was dead or alive, and with a great war on their backs, made searching for him unreasonable. Had they known Tenzō was being used to aid the enemy, maybe then, Kakashi’s pleas wouldn’t have fallen on deaf ears.

+++

“I’m sorry,” Yamato shook his head, walking towards the large curved windows.

How much did the villagers know about what happened? There were always rumours going around, even amongst the Anbu. Yamato himself found out of his part in the war weeks after the battle was over. It came as a shock to him and to many others who happened to overhear it. Konoha was cruel, just as cruel as any other hidden village. People worshipped heroes and despised others out of ignorance. Ninjas weren’t all that different. Most of those Yamato knew said nothing and, perhaps, had no opinion on what happened, but others didn’t refrain from pointing out that he was responsible for the army of clones that kill so many of the allied forces. It was easy to accept those comments when he already blamed himself.

The war wasn’t a subject Yamato meant to discuss, not now not ever, but it accidentally burst out of him. “That was uncalled for,” he added apologetically. Both of them fell silent.

There were very few lights still on down below, so there wasn’t much to look at. What he could see perfectly well, though, was Kakashi-senpai’s reflection. He was staring down at the ledger, clearly not paying much attention to it anymore. It wasn’t the first time he caught the other staring blankly at pages of a book. Actually, his senpai did that quite often, but that was likely the first time he saw him doing it without the mask.

“I should get going,” he said, his voice weakened by the influx of thoughts he didn’t want to have. In spite of his words, Yamato made no attempt to remove himself from the Hokage’s office. There was no reason for him to stay there, but his eyes were still locked on the reflection of his senpai’s face. _Just a little longer_ , he thought, hoping he would be able to remember that image after he left, just as clear as he was seeing now. It was a rare sight of the man who saved him more than once, but that face was also the one that left him behind, and he couldn’t shed the pain of being abandoned.

“Kakashi-senpai…,” Yamato said under his breath. _Where were you?_ He wanted to ask him. _Why didn’t you come for me?_ Neither of them were kids anymore, neither should need rescuing anymore, and yet, Yamato held on to stupid things, such as senpai, which the other man had requested him to drop it countless times after he left the Anbu. Almost a decade had passed since and he still referred to him the same way. It was probably odd now, considering he himself was getting close to his 30s.

“Hm…?” Kakashi sounded absently.

Yamato reached behind his head and removed the heavy headband, then ran his fingers through his growing hair. Sometimes he wondered if the Hashirama DNA had anything to do with the speed in which his hair grew. It was nearing his shoulders again, not a look he believed he could pull off now.

“How can I convince you to leave me on that mission?” Yamato said, hoping there was still a chance he didn’t have to face his feelings.

Kakashi closed the ledger and placed it on top of a huge pile of files. “If it is that important to you…” he said standing up from the desk and painfully stretching his back, “But before you can run back to your hideout… do you know why I retired from the Anbu back then?”

There was a glimpse of hope that the Hokage would change his mind, and that was a relief to Yamato. The angst he felt in his stomach eased ever so slightly, but his heart seemed to have broken yet another piece. A compromise he was willing to make.

“That was a long time ago,” Yamato said, looking back as Kakashi joined him by the window. “You said the Sandaime needed you. You’ve always done what you were asked to, I didn’t think much of it. Why?”

“I changed, the darkness needed to be an Anbu was just not there anymore. In spite of all I lost, the pain inside me was subsiding. And that…” Kakashi turned and looked at Yamato, who had been staring at him this whole time, “… I have you to thank for.”

There a sudden throbbing inside his chest, it was so loud he wondered if Kakashi-senpai heard it too. Yamato could sensed his face warming up and turned to the window, his lips curving into an awkward but genuine smile. “Don’t say such embarrassing things, senpai.”

“Well… it is the truth,” Kakashi shrugged. “Maybe your actions weren’t so innocent, but your heart was pure. Everyone I cared for was gone by the time I met you, but when you showed up I wanted to save you,” he sighed. “I still do… so let me save you one more time.”

How could he refuse such a request? It made him angry that Kakashi could drop words like that so easily when he, himself, was struggling to come to turns with everything that happened. Yamato closed his eyes and took a deep breath, then dropped his head back, exhaling loudly before is opening his eyes and side glancing at the Hokage.

“Is that remorse?” Yamato said, furrowing his brows.

“I failed you,” Kakashi muttered, “so I guess that statement would be accurate.”

“I…” Yamato took another deep breath. He was about to say things that could not be unsaid, so he readied himself before continuing and stared into the night. “I became a respected man, everyone knew who I was. I even ended up being the official leader of Team 7. Sasuke was back, and I was… happy, I think.” Growing up as a Root ninja meant a lot of his emotions were denied, so being happy wasn’t a clear concept. Being close to Kakashi-senpai brought him joy, but he couldn’t be sure whether that was happiness or not. “When we all woke up from that dream, I felt empty. It wasn’t real, but it felt real enough. I was missing a life I never really had, a person I never was and I still do. Everyday. Not only that, I was used as a weapon against you… all of you.”

“Special people will always be targeted.” Kakashi said with a concerned expression, “Naruto, Sasuke, Itachi,… you. Stepping into the dark won’t change that.”

“I was careless and–”

“It’s over, Tenzō.” Kakashi turned to him and placed a hand on the curve of Yamato’s neck, “Let it go and make a new dream, a real one. You won’t find it by yourself in the woods.” His hand drifted to the back of Yamato’s head and pulled him closer, their heads leaned against one another. “Come home, now.”

_Senpai…_

His face was hot, his stomach was tight, his heart was pounding fast inside his chest and his mind so hazy that the world around them had stopped. All the things he was feeling, what were those? They made him uncomfortable, like holding breath for so long, you worry you have fogotten how to breathe. Yamato wanted to pull away. The door was right there… freedom from conversation and from this, whatever _this_ was.

With an enormous effort, he pulled back. Kakashi’s hand had only been loosely pressed against the back of Yamato’s head, but two seconds ago, to him, it felt as if he had been stuck between magnets.

“I should get going…” he said again.

Kakashi nodded and shoved his hands into his pockets.

Yamato slowly and silently walked towards the door, but inside he was a mess. He wondered if that’s how a jinchūriki felt, because right then he definitely had something inside him he was having a really hard time controlling, let alone explaining.

“Don’t forget to ask Sakura to fix that back for you” he said, glancing over at his senpai, who simply nodded. Yamato walk two steps before peering back in. “And read that scroll, it’s important,” he pointed and Kakashi smiled with a as dismissive _hai hai_.

+++

Getting hold of himself, Yamato considered to maybe stay in the village a little longer. He didn’t understand what just happened, and even if it felt like he was drowning back there, he didn’t hate that feeling. With a calming sigh, he set down the round corridor, maybe he could still get some shut eye.

Yamato could suddenly hear heavy steps coming from the Hokage’s office

“Oi! Tenzō!” Kakashi called.

“Senpai?” Yamato halted and looked back.

“Where was I in that perfect dream you described?”

“Oh. Uhm…” Yamato thought, then turned around, continuing down the corridor “…you weren’t there.” He said and shrugged.

“… How can you call that perfect?” He said loudly as the other began to turn and vanish from view.

“Night, Kakashi-senpai.” Yamato smiled. _I guess it wasn’t…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In my headcanon, Yamato has always been more aggressive and straightforward with his words than Kakashi, but writing this I realised he didn't really have a lot of time to himself growing up. I believe in this pieace he might he 27/28, when he was captain of team 7 he was maybe 25/26. He spent his early years as a Root ninja and considering he had Danzō for a father until he was 10 or so, we can't expect him to be someone who can express a lot of 'feels', if you know what is mean. Then continued to be an assassine but under the Hokage for another 15/16 years! So most of his life was spent being a pawn with a mask with no name. That's tough!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kakashi and Yamato part ways for the night, each with their own inner turmoil.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a little slow, mostly inside their heads with a bit of background. I know we all know the premises but it's nice to see how they feel about their own past.

Pulling the sleeve into his palm, Yamato turned the grubby nob to his apartment. The door creaked open, puffing the mucky air onto his face. No one had aired that place out in his absence, a disadvantage of not cohabiting anymore. As a Root, he lived with Danzo, then moved underground with several other members. As an Anbu, he shared accommodation with other orphans of war. Once he emerged from behind his mask to become the captain of Team 7, the Hokage told him he would be living a normal life. But in the end, being a normal independent adult was very inconvenient.

He left the door ajar and opened the windows. The night was quite breezy and the smell of trees and rock, so typical of Konoha, gusted in. Any other night, he would have had a shower and gone straight to bed; however, that night turned out to be quite unique.

The merest thought of his senpai made his insides twist. Whenever he closed his eyes, Yamato could see Kakashi’s unmasked face inches away from his own, so close he remembered feeling the heat of the other’s skin. The only other time someone had been this close to him, was when he tried to scare the living hell out of Naruto in the middle of the night with a torch. The Jōnin understood in principal how the situations were different, but he had known Kakashi for most of his life, he shouldn’t have had such strong physical reaction just by being close to him.

 _So much for having time for a shut eye_ , he thought, believing that moment between the two of them, which only lasted a few seconds, would haunt him for the rest of the night.

 _Senpai…_ he said to himself, throwing his headband on the bed and sitting on the window frame, staring in the distance towards the Academy building. The lights were off, so Kakashi had probably made it home after Yamato left. They could have walked together, if only he hadn’t freaked out like an idiot.Yamato shook his head before leaning it against the frame. For years he had killed people for a living, and yet the bottom half of the other man’s face was enough to dismantle his mutant body. He was strong enough to hold a tailed beast but a single gentle touch weakened him to such an extent he ran.

Exhaling loudly, he looked away and his lips curved down into a frown. Yamato had not been brought up to have feelings like these, they weren’t needed, an ideology engraved in his mind from very early on. He was a weapon. Perhaps, nowadays he was being used differently than his Root years, but still, ninjas were the weapons that protected their villages and their lords… right? Those facts never bothered him before, yet, he found himself pondering about his importance and existence time and again after the war ended, possibly due to the amount of free time he had in his hands. His thoughts wandered and, whether he liked it or not, feelings would follow.

For the first couple of months, he and the survivors, helped reconstruct Konoha and the nearby villages. Yamato used his kekkei genkai to rebuild homes and sometimes created them from scratch. People tended to assume that whatever he did was easy. Clap your hands, now here is a house. In reality, using his wood release for such elaborate constructions required years of architectural study and, the act itself, dangerously drained his chakra. Yamato did it anyway. He wanted to help, to be useful… respected. Just like his perfect dream.

When Kakashi leant the head against his, he asked Yamato to come home. But what was home? Was that dusty and empty apartment home? The village? And if he was being saved, like the other claimed, then for what purpose? His senpai was Hokage, maybe he wanted him back in the Anbu, but even high profile missions were now scarce.

The distant forest guarded him from all of that inner strife. Orochimaru and those kids that followed him around remained in their hole, while he stayed in the open, in his wooden camp-out house. He made so many of those in the last 9 months, he could have created an entire village of his own. Recycling was important, so only one habitable house was build at a time. But his hobby of creating small wooden sculptures kept him busy.

There was no denying that his mission estranged him from those he grew close to in the years before the war. A part of him wanted to return, even before the Hokage asked him to, but that life of recognition, of _Yamato-taichou_ , was unnecessary and in the past. He didn’t know who he was or what he wanted, and for someone who had never had to deal with such autonomy, he struggled.

Using his wood release, Yamato reached all the way to the front door to close it. The wind that had been blowing inside the apartment dwindled. Yamato stepped from the window and began to undress as he made his way to the shower. He threw his dirty closed into the dusty laundry basket and looked into the mirror. His hair was really way too long now. He touched the ends, pulling some strands in front of his eyes to access the length before letting go. His hand then drifted to the side of his forehead, touching lightly. That’s where Kakashi’s head had been earlier that night. Staring at himself, he put pressure on that spot and shut his eyes tightly. _Come home, now_. Yamato recalled, feeling his senpai there with him so vividly, breathing closely, the feel of his skin, the heat between them silencing all but Yamato’s racing heartbeat.

He drew his other hand and hid his entire face into his palms. “Ahhhhh!!… What the hell is wrong with me?!” He said and sighed loudly in frustration. A nice cold shower ought to do it, he thought. It wasn’t a particularly hot night, and his body hadn’t cooled down since that moment in the Hokage’s office, so when he stepped under the cold shower, the water almost felt like needles against his body.

Those lonely months must have made him really miss human contact. He did encounter Orochimaru sporadically, but that man was hardly human and not one he would enjoy the company either, even if he had the chance. So that was it, definitely it. A lack of human contact making his body and mind act up. He assured himself as the water cooled him down. As long as he stopped thinking about it, this stupid feeling would soon ease off.

+++

Until the steps were too far away to be heard, Kakashi stood by his office door, looking down the round corridor in hope Tenzō would have forgotten something and had to come back, so he could look at him a little longer. Maybe they could stretch that moment for another few hours, to catch up. Being Hokage mean he saw many people every single day with all sort of businesses, from politics and village espionage to old folk needing ninjas to find their lost pets. It was constant chatter in that room, he could hardly do any proper work, hence the long days that turned into nights without him stepping a foot out of the Academy building.In spite of the daily commotion, Kakashi felt quite isolated in that role, and it was strangely more lonesome than he expected, considering he was quite adapted to being alone with his own thoughts.

It was quite uncommon for an Anbu to be brought back to the light, let alone become Hokage, and there was definitely a good reason for that. Kakashi didn’t know of any Anbu or Root member who had had a happy upbringing. Most lost their families or friends at some point in the their early years as ninjas, others simply had no choice, taken, sold or exploited for the purpose of killing others. Those who seemingly had a good life but joined the Anbu was because something within them wasn’t right. Itachi being one of those. Souls that had already been damaged were only torn deeper as an Anbu. An active life was all they knew, all they had. Those outside Root would sometimes become attached to one another, but death is always eminent for an assassin, so the majority would choose to deny deep emotions. The less close bonds they had, the easier it was to come to terms with the loss of those around them.

This wasn’t only truth to the Black Ops, even those who were good enough ninjas kept their feelings guarded, at least that was the reality of Kakashi’s generation. He could count on the fingers of one hand how many actually had tight bonds, relationships or a personal life, and all them ended up in tragedy. Love was for villagers, not for Konoha shinobi.

As a child, Kakashi found it easy to disconnect. No one came close to his prowess and intellect, so studying at the Academy was easy, his teacher were less talented than he was. Whenever he trained, he did it was out of boredom more than necessity, and never agreed to train with someone else. Deep down, Kakashi feared, possibly more than most, to get hurt by bonds. If he never talked to anyone, then the chance of his father’s suicide being brought up by a classmate was kept to a minimum. Besides, why care so much for others as a ninja when they were all likely to die young.

As he grew a little older, his perspective slightly changed, but death continued to follow him. Obito died, or so he thought, to save him, Rin committed suicide by his hands to save the village, Minato-sensei, his father figure, did the same. He was unable to save anyone, they all died. When Tenzō first tried to kill him, his cold dead eyes reminded him of himself. Someone who lost it all, broken to pieces to serve a psychotic man obsessed with power. Kakashi made up his mind he would safe that kid, and by doing so, he would mend whatever was left of himself.

Tenzō became more than Kakashi’s project to restore his own soul. They spent more time together than apart. Although, at the beginning, he knew close to nothing about the other boy’s past, he was constantly amazed by how Tenzō could seem cold, and yet cared deeply about the same things Kakashi was working hard to care. There was a lightheartedness about him, which made him fun to be around. He played pranks on other members and was sometimes childish, bringing a smile to Kakashi’s face, that was always hidden by the mask. Tenzō was possibly one of the most powerful Anbu but, maybe due to his lack of self, never grew an ego or became arrogant. Like a shadow, Tenzō followed him everywhere and, after over a decade together, when Kakashi was asked to retired by the Sandaime, he continued to do so. Kakashi would sometimes pretend he did’t know Tenzō was there, watching him, and as creepy as others would find it, to him, it was comforting.

The last 9 months was probably the longest time they have been apart, and as a Hokage, Kakashi had been so immerse in work that he forgot how the other made him feel. The sight of him was like a warm bath on a freezing day. After warming up, however, the heat lasts for a short while and the cold air becomes even colder.

 _Was that selfish?_ He wondered as he walked back into the office. Pulling Tenzō from that mission was a way for him to keep the warmth around him for longer. He needed that to fill the gap that was left inside him after his role as a teacher ended. Whenever he had time to walk around the village, he saw a completely different world than the one he grew up in. The generation that was about to take over, thanks to Naruto, shared close bonds, so tight that even a Root member was able to find deep connections and fall in love. Kakashi never thought that to be possible, but there was Sai, a perfect example of how Konoha had changed. Naruto himself was going to get married, and not to a villager, but another ninja. Shikamaru, the Hokage’s chief aide, had a relationship with another ninja from another village.

Sometimes Kakashi worried about all of that. The world was a cruel and unstable place after all, and he wanted to protect those kids and bonds he as a teacher helped the new generation to forge. Was is selfish to also crave that spark young Konoha Shinobi had? To share with someone else more than a mission? More than battles and losses?

Thanks to Jiraya-sama’s books and Minato-sensei’s stories about the Sannin, Kakashi wasn’t all that innocent. He had also been blessed with good genetics, knowing quite well that he was a good looking man, even though he kept his mask on almost every single hour of every single day since they made small enough masks to fit is little face as a child. Most women found him cool and attractive, and if he so wanted, finding a relationship would take him maybe no more than an afternoon. But Kakashi knew better than that, he doubted romance like those depicted in the mildly perverted books he enjoyed reading would be enough to heal the emotional solitude that he held on to for 27 years.

He walked up to his shoes and put them on. It was time to head home, maybe eat something on the way as he couldn’t remember having dinner. Being the leader of the village meant Kakashi had all sorts of responsibilities, and none of them were to himself. It was all about the village safety, ensuring they had a strong economy, that people could go about their lives, children got educated and ninjas had jobs. So removing Tenzō from his mission was based on nothing but his personal feelings and needs. Yes, it was selfish after all, but as long as he could justify it somehow, who would notice?

Kakashi put the book back in the drawer, more or less made the chair stay in an upright position, pulled the mask over his face, turned off the lights and left. If Tenzō hadn’t dashed off so soon, maybe they could have walked together. It was probably his fault for being so upfront with his abrupt decision, making way for the conversation to stir towards the war. Neither of them was the sharing type and they hadn’t talked in a long while. It was unlike Tenzō to be shaken by anything, even if the topic was something he didn’t want to hear or discuss, so the fact he reacted the way he did was alarming.

 _What did he expect, though?_ The Hokage pouted lightly under the mask frustrated and also blaming the other for showing up so suddenly forcing him to say strange and unusual things. However, Tenzō did seem distant and troubled. If he felt responsible for what happened almost a year ago, then it might have affected him deeper than Kakashi had imagined. Knowing their upbringing, he worried.

As he walked out of the Academy building, shut the gates and began to make his way home, his stomach growled. That’s right, he hadn’t eaten yet. Ichiraku Ramen was the only shop that still served food at that time of night, so even though it was a bit of a detour, the idea of warm food was enough.

For now, he would fill up his stomach then go to bed, and think about Tenzō in the morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was quite sad writing about the Anbu and their past. Of course, Naruto is not that kinda deep show, but honestly, what a terribe life they had! It would have been nice if they showed how different everything is now that Naruto is Hokage... but then again, it's a ninja story about ninja kids doing ninja things. XD


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The night is always longer than we think...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was waaaaay too long and I had to break it is two, sorry about that.

“Thank you for the food,” Kakashi said, raising a hand with a smile as he left the shop.

“You’re very welcome, Rokudaime-sama!” said the old man Teuchi returning a massive grin at the Hokage. 

Furrowing his brows, Kakashi rolled his shoulder before rubbing the small of his back. It was either that chair, which was now broken, or he really should start exercising more. He slouched and put his hands into his pockets before walking down the road, distancing himself further from his residence. It was pretty late, but after downing a large bowl of ramen, he needed a walk. It had been a very long day but he continued to make excuses for it not to end.

Despite his body calling for bed, his head was elsewhere, and trying to sleep, at this point, was futile. He would probably lie awake and be exhausted in the morning, or end up following asleep way too late and never make it. Either way, he wasn’t going to be on time. _Well…, I already have a reputation anyway._ It was expected. Besides, he had already decided, much to Shikamaru and Shizune’s despair, to be the worst Hokage in the history of the village, so a little bit of his fashionable tardiness wouldn’t be all that shocking.

Kakashi continued along the embankment, which would have been the scenic route had it been during the day, but the sound of the water rolling over the rocks was clearer and more peaceful without the raucous of the morning. His mind was back in that moment. _Make another dream._ Why would he even suggest such a thing? Tenzō was clearly bearing a lot on his shoulders without him having to add more pressure by suggesting he searched for something as intangible as a pipe dream. Knowing Tenzō, he would probably take it to heart and go for it. Kakashi did want to believe in youthful words, but he was no Naruto, and it made him sound like Gai, which was disturbing at best. But no matter how many times he said to himself they were deserving of more than what life had given them, it wouldn’t make it true.

“Uh?!” He said and stopped at the sight of the Memorial Stone and looked behind him. How the hell did he end up there? It had been a while since he visited that place. “Well, since I’m already here…” he stood quietly for a short moment and paced towards the monument. Before becoming Hokage, Kakashi visited the stone every single day, whenever he wasn’t away on a mission, so maybe in his tiredness, his body simply gravitated towards it. So many of those honoured in that stone meant something to him, but he was glad that most of them were now part of his history.

A cold breeze blew past him, lifting the leaves from the ground into the air. The little hairs on the back of his neck stood up. It was a familiar chill.

“If you are trying to scare me, it won’t work,” he said, looking down at the memorial. There was no reply, so he continued, “I know when you’re following me, even without the Sharingan.”

“Technically,” said the presence up on a tree before jumping down and walking to Kakashi’s side, “you followed me. I’ve been here for a while, senpai.”

Kakashi glanced at Tenzō and said nothing. Truth be told, he was a little embarrassed that he had been so out of it that, not only, he unknowingly made all the way across the village, he also had no idea where the other was until he spoke.

“I saw you walking down this way,” Yamato said, then crouched in front of the monument. “I didn’t think you still came here in odd hours of the day.”

“I don’t.”

They were silent for a long while after that. Tenzō stared quietly at the names newly carved onto the stone, clearly mulling over his own guilt. Kakashi looked down at his head and remembered the time the two of them had a height difference. He was about 4 years older and when they were young, Tenzō looked little and scrawny in comparison. His hair grew very fast and was very long back then, all the way down the middle of his back. Kakashi teased him about it countless times. As far as he recalled, Tenzō cut it himself with a kunai and it looked quite unkept because of that. The younger boy didn’t seem to mind, to Kakashi, however, his the lack of style was baffling. Part of him wanted to reach down and touch his head now, but how would he explain himself?

“It’s my first time since,…” Yamato said after reading the last name, “I don’t even know. I got so caught up, I forgot about this place.” He stood up and walked closer to remove a couple of leaves that landed on top of the stone earlier. “Whenever I came here was to watch you.”

“I remember,” Kakashi shoved his hands deeper into his pockets to make sure he wasn’t tempted to treat Tenzō like a piece of his past he was strangely longing.

“Is it weird that I was jealous?”

“Not really,” Kakashi understood why. Tenzō had nobody when he was little, he was brainwashed not to care for others and operated in the shadows. Those names meant nothing to him, so watching Kakashi visit the stone, the graves of his friends and family probably seemed weird and alienating.

“I don’t feel like that anymore,” Yamato said and looked back at his senpai. “At home I thought… I wouldn’t want to see your name here.”  
  


…

  
After Yamato had finished his shower and laid on the bed, all kinds of things came to his mind. From stupid ones about his senpai’s beauty mark, getting mad at him for playing with his feelings to how he could have died during the last war. In no way he would be able to sleep that night, so after putting on some clean clothes, he left. He needed something to put it all into perspective, which is why he ended up there, asking himself a bunch of useless what-ifs. What if Kakashi-senpai had been killed? What if he was the one to blame? Would he be standing there everyday remembering their time together? Brooding over his guilt? Tenzō would have died with him for sure, no one else would ever use that name. Yamato was actually fine with that. Even if he got annoyed at Kakashi for continuously calling him Tenzō in public, he cherished that he did it in private. It was just another alias, but it felt like his real name whenever the other said it.

“We’re at peace for the time being, so the chance of me dying a hero is probably gone,“ Kakashi said and sighed with a shrug. “Now, if they made a monument for those who died of boredom, it’s possible my name would end up there. Just give it a few years.”

Yamato chuckled, the air around them feeling a little lighter. He walked back to stand next to his senpai. Even if the mask was pulled over his face, Yamato did notice that Kakashi’s lips curved, and had the impression that, although his senpai meant it as a joke, there was a tinge of truth to it. The other wasn’t a ball of energy and glee on his best days, but he looked somewhat depleted.

“Well, I wouldn’t want that to happen either,” Yamato glanced only to meet the other’suncovered eye staring back into his soul. The picture of Kakashi’s unmasked face inches away from his own creeped back into his mind in a flash. His guts tightened and blood rushed to his face. He had no choice but to look away and hope the dark of night would hide him. It was frustrating that, as much as he wanted to put that moment between them in the Hokage’s office past him, it just wasn’t happening and Kakashi seemed to be enjoying that.

“Looking after Orochimaru must be dreary too. Maybe our names would end up on that monument together.” Kakashi said, still trying to catch Yamato’s eyes, but he continued to purposely look the other way.

“More like overseeing. If there is anything that man can do is look after himself,” unfortunately, Yamato had a history with Orochimaru, one he would rather not think much upon. “I admit, it is a little tedious” to put it mildly, ”but I entertain myself,” Yamato said, still feeling that the other had his eyes on him. Maybe if he teased him, then Kakashi would move his attention elsewhere. “I know you entertain yourself too, senpai. I saw Jiraya-sama’s book in your office.”

“Ah, that…” Kakashi pulled a hand off his pocket and closed a fist over his mouth, clearing his throat. “I wouldn’t call it entertainment. More like… research.”

Reading those books had always been something Yamato never quite understood about his senpai. Although he carried them up and down and knew some of those volumes by heart, Kakashi was always single and seemed to have no interest in following through with whatever was written in those books. Yamato himself never really got into novels, especially not those involving farcical relationships and overly described intimate scenes, which read rather awkwardly and often made him cringe. While in the ANBU and even later, during missions with Kakashi as an adult, he had the chance to skim over some of the pages of Icha Icha, and found that if his senpai liked reading about that kinda of thing, then he had a whole other side to him Yamato could not comprehend. Kakashi wasn’t the only one though, many Jōnin and ANBU had them as well. Although Yamato never saw the appeal, he had an idea of what the contents were.

Yamato raised a brow, “All these years you’ve been researching about se–”

“No!” Kakashi blustered, “I’ve been researching… the…” he thought for a moment, “the… human condition.” Well, that was shamelessly rubbish. “And I was close to the end too, until you showed up.”

“That never stopped you before,” Yamato squinted.

“You were talking about work, the mood was ruined,” his gaze finally focusing elsewhere.

“Isn’t work a human condition too?” Yamato continued lightheartedly.

“Not one to fantasise about, surely.”

Yamato smiled, “Sounds to me like you’re finally getting self-conscious about reading dirty books in front of other people, senpai.”

“Well, I am the Hokage,” Kakashi said matter-of-factly. “I need to show some discretion when it comes to my habits. That being said…” he added, stepping back and turning from both themonument and Tenzō, “You should borrow them, maybe you’ll learn something. Then, next time I have no mask on, you won’t get so flustered and run off on me.”

How much Yamato wished to have been a clone right then and gone _puff_ , or known a teleportation jutsu, so he could’ve blipped out of sight never to be seen again. Judging by the heat on his cheeks, emphasised by the cold breeze, in no doubt his face had turned bright red, any chance of a witty comeback diminished. So Kakashi-senpai had noticed that, despite Yamato’s best efforts to coolly leave his office.

Shutting his eyes tightly to try and control himself, the younger man ran a hand through his hot face. When did Kakashi-senpai begin to have this effect on him? It could’t have started a few hours ago, could it?  
  


…  
  


Kakashi stood for a moment, composed, but inside he was almost celebrating that his _research_ on human condition was paying off, even if he just used it to get a reaction out of Tenzō. _Jiraya-sama, you’re a genius,_ he thought, _it works on men too_.

Kakashi looked over his shoulder, “How is your energy level?”

 _It was fine until two seconds ago_ , Yamato thought. “I’m ok,” he said quietly instead.

Kakashi reached out a hand and grabbed the back of Tenzō’s shirt. “Let’s go, Tenzō” he said and tugged on it a couple of times so the other would follow as he walked off.

With his heart still pounding, Yamato turned around and gazed down at the neatly cut grass, hoping his hair was long enough to hide his face, even if just a little. He picked up the pace andthe two of them followed down the training grounds towards the village.

“How’s your back?” Yamato said after he regain his poise, kicking every pebble he could see at his feet. 

“Sore,” just the mention of it made it hurt more, so he rubbed it lightly with his knuckles. “I don’t get to see a lot of action as a Hokage, my body isn’t used to sitting around all day, even if it has been almost a year.”

“It’s been that long, uh?” Yamato bent down to pick a kunai that was stuck on the ground, probably left there by a student.

“Almost as long as you’ve been away.”

“About that…” Yamato said and threw the kunai at a distant target.

“You want to leave tomorrow.”

His eyes widened at the statement. That wasn’t what Yamato was about to say. Earlier, he made the decision to stay, to try and follow that new dream his senpai said he could only find it if he remained in the village for a while. But now, it was as if Kakashi had changed his mind. Regardless of what he had intended, Yamato swallowed dry and agreed with a nod. It was best for the village if he continued to follow Orochimaru after all, he understood that, dreams were dreams, the mission was more important. Kakashi probably knew that as well, and as a Hokage he had responsibilities beyond ninja’s personal wishes. Yamato accepted all of that, but that didn’t do anything to change the tightness in his chest knowing this walk was the last time he would see Kakashi for who knows how long.

“I see,” Kakashi said in a somber tone. _So he really is leaving again_ , “Then…” he looked at the other, _let’s stretch this out until the morning_.

“Then…?” Yamato stare with a head tilt.

“Buy me a drink.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yamato is not good at talking his mind, and Kakashi is even worse, so of course, they want the same thing but have no idea... I wonder if they would act differently if they knew.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's almost 2am and I'm sleep deprived, so bear that in mind XD. I can't even think of a summary... I'll figure that later.

Yamato pulled back and raised his brows. It was past 3am already, and maybe he was too burdened with thoughts to actually rest, but that time at night was when when people stopped drinking and went home, and only on days off. Either that, or you were a drunk.

“Senpai,” he said, “isn’t that little Tsunade-sama like?”

“I don’t judge.”

“But I have to return to my mission a few hours from now, and you have to work, I’m assuming.”

“Are you saying no to the Hokage?”

The decision to go back to the forest had been made for him, but in spite of his heavy heart,he smiled and bantered. “Oh, when you put it that way, my apologies, Rokudaime Hokage-sama,” he said and looked around the quiet streets as they walked past them. “I don’t believe we’ll find an open bar this late, though.”

“Combini, your place.”

“My place??” Yamato shook his head.

“It can’t be mine, otherwise I’ll have someone knocking down my door at 7am.”

“I suppose that makes sense,” Yamato said and sighed. His place was messy and dusty, besides, he was sure there were at least a couple of spider webs on the ceiling. “Hm…,” he couldn’t have his senpai, the Hokage, in a place like that. “We can camp-out,” he suggested with a shrug, in this way he could also show the other how good he had become at building different structures.

Kakashi smiled. Tenzō was proud of those, and was always trying to impress him, but Kakashi never allowed him to feel too good about himself for one reason or another. Perhaps, he wanted the other to continue to seek affirmation and attention from him. It was quite endearing and made him feel needed. As a teacher, he never felt very important. None of his Team 7 tried to impress him in any way, it was quite sad really. There was always Gai, who bothered him since they were little, but Kakashi saw him as a rival,… well, Gai wanted to be seen as one, at least. Now, Tenzō wanted approval from his senpai, it was different.

“Sure,” he said, “just don’t make something unnecessarily flashy.”

“Don’t censor my creativity, senpai,” he pursed his lips. “Do you know how much work goes into Wood Style?”

“Yes, yes, I know,” Kakashi said, pretending to be uninterested.

The other nodded, a gleam of accomplishment already transpiring as they walked along the riverbed towards the the only 24 hours combini in the village. The streets were empty, and luckily, so was the shop. There was only the cashier, who was almost asleep while standing when Yamato walked in. His senpai stayed outside, being Hokage made the other one of the most popular people in Konoha, after Naruto of course, so him buying booze at that time at night would not be very good for his image, even if he wanted to be the worst Hokage ever.

Yamato bought them a large bottle of sake and tried not to look like an alcoholic as the cashier measured him suspiciously.

As he walked out with the bottle sticking out of the paper bag, Kakashi emerged from the shadows and stared at the purchase with the same expression at the guy from the shop.

“Isn’t that excessive?” He said, pointing at the bag.

“Is it?” Yamato thought himself as someone who could hold his liquor more than the average person due to the Hashirama DNA, though, that wasn’t entirely true. The younger man tended to soak up alcohol faster than others, so he ended up drunk before anyone else. Then he would sober up just to see others still drunk, and deduced he had been sober the whole time. “You can keep what is left, it’s unlikely I’ll have anyone to drink this with when I go back.” Stating that fact alone made the knot in Yamato stomach fasten, but he tried to smile. There was no point in dwelling on the inevitable, besides, they still had a few hours to kill.

 _That smile,_ Sharingan or not, Kakashi could see through it. He also had his own demons. However minimal in peace time, there was always a chance that something bad would happen, that either Kakashi himself or Tenzō could lose their lives. He didn’t deliberately muse over it, but it was always there, in the back of his mind. Death followed him after all. The moment he started caring too much, that was probably when he would lose him. He watched that sorrowful smile in Tenzō’s face and tried to comfort the other, and himself, by leaning as arm on his shoulder.

“Only if it’s a good one,” he peeked into the paper bag.

“It’s the best one,” Yamato said, but had no idea really.

“The best uh…?” Kakashi raised an eyebrow with a suspicious but playful look. “I’ll hold you responsible if I get a hangover.”

Yamato was feeling his cheeks warm up again as he side glanced at his senpai, who stood so close. Even with the mask on and only one eye open, Kakashi was quite attractive… well, Yamato assumed, how would he know what an attractive man was meant to look like. It’s not like he waspersonally attracted to him, he just enjoyed the company of a childhood friend who happened to be known to have good looks. _That’s all,_ he nodded inwardly.

As they began to make their way to the outskirts of the village, in order to avoid the kerfuffle or early risers, Kakashi remained pretty close to the other. It began to feel a little bit like when they went on missions together. Although he had complete faith in Tenzō’s skills even back then, he couldn’t help being protective. Once they were older and he took over Team 7 with a new alias, Kakashi didn’t have the time to actually worry about him anymore, but after he got caught and disappeared, he prepared himself for the worst and regretted not being there to save him.

The war messed him up. Obito was alive and was kinda of responsible for Minato-sensei’s death, blamed him for losing Rin, killed so many and started the war. He then had a change of heart, gave Kakashi new eyes, then finally vanished for good, taking those eyes with him. It all happened in one night, and when that was over, he was certain Tenzō was also gone. Turned out he was alive, but was captured, lost time, was used by enemies, drowned himself in guilt, took on an everlasting mission and abandoned Kakashi behind to lead the village, when he failed to lead even 3 children. Sometimes he wondered how he could even wake up in the morning and go about his day. He was mentally exhausted was physically shattered.

“When was the last time we did this?” Yamato said, holding out the bottle and looking around for a wide enough area.

“Drank together or camped-out?” Kakashi took the bottle and stood a few steps behind.

“Either or.”

“Too long,” Kakashi mumbled.  
  


…  
  


Yamato saw the perfect spot. He stretched an arm out to ensure Kakashi stayed behind before doing a sequence of his hand seals and planting his palms on the grass. Squared and thick wood branches began to shoot up from the ground, twisting to form a patterned pillar that was as tall as the trees around it. The top turned into a plateau, with curved seats and an intricately designed canopy.

“There you go,” the younger man said, grinning warmheartedly. “What do you think?”

As expected, Tenzō was unable to hold himself back when it came to building things. It was quite conspicuous and not what Kakashi would have preferred, especially since it was quite high up and visible from afar. Nonetheless, it was the first time Tenzō smiled looked… sincere.

“A little exposed, I would say…”

“Ah…” Yamato clapped his hands and leaves instantly grew around the back of the sculpture, like a camouflage. “Better?’

His skills were impressive, Kakashi had to admit. Someone as unique as him shouldn’t be forced into a mission like that one. Tenzō was, by far, the best of the ANBU, he served the village and the previous Hokages without asking for anything back. It was quite admirable from someone who had never chosen that life to begin with. To shove him deep in the forest was nothing but lack of acknowledgement for his efforts.

“And how are we suppose to-“

Kakashi couldn’t even finish his sentence before a huge wooden hand stretched out from Yamato’s sleeve, grabbed him off the ground and put him right on top of the structure.

“How’s the view?” Yamato yelled from down below, withdrawing the hand.

“I…” Kakashi said, slightly bewildered, and put the bottle down before rubbing his lower back, “I think you fixed my back,” he said, looking at the other from above. “Are you coming or what?”

The younger man wanted to appreciate his handy work a little longer. Maybe he would try something like that when he got back to Orochimaru’s hideout.He put a hand down on the ground again and a patch of land raised him up and sank back down once he stepped onto their tree house.

“Your back is better?” he said surprised, taking a seat next to his senpai, who was already taking off his shoes and relaxing on the wooden chair Yamato had conjured. “If I knew that’s all it took, I would have grabbed you earlier.”

“If you did, I’d have to file a sexual harassment claim, and since I’m the law around here, they would either fine you or throw you in jail.”

Yamato laughed, then reached for the bottle of sake and the two wooden cups he was considerate enough to make. “If you throw me in jail, I request a monthly haircut, at least.”

“What for? I thought you were growing it on purpose”

“Nah…” Yamato served his senpai then himself, “I’ve had my share of you mocking me about it. I’m not making that mistake again.”

“Did I do that?”

“All the time, poking me from behind and calling me _miss_. _”_

“Ah, that’s because you used to look like a cute girl from behind,” Kakashi took the cup and held up before saying _kanpai_ , then pulled his mask down to his chin. “But, you’re not cute anymore,” he said and downed his drink.

Yamato frowned playfully and, following his senpai, drank up before serving them another. “That sounds like a compliment, but at the same time, I feel like I should be offended.”

“You shouldn’t,” Kakashi held out his cup to be filled again, “grown man aren’t cute.”

“Are you sure about that?”

Yamato continued to fill their cups as they emptied them. The night had taken a very different turn. They were sitting together having a drink, chatting about nothing of real importance and that was rare.

“It’s what it says in the literature,” Kakashi continued.

“You mean, Jiraya-sama’s soft erotica…”

“Literature, Tenzō, literature.”

“Why someone like you even read books like that?”

“I read all sorts of stuff…”

“But mostly those books,” Yamato grinned.

“You don’t understand. It’s a complex series, full of action, passion and intrigue.”

“And no cute grown man.”

“Nope, not a single one. The hero is brave, determined, strong… says nothing about cute. So a real grow man can’t be cute.”

“Hm, I don’t know…,” Yamato said and looked down at his cup, “You’re kinda cute when people call you _sama_.”

“Only you think that, Tenzō,” Kakashi looked at the other and opened his left eye, “and it’s because you’ve been unsuccessfully trying to embarrass me for 20 years.”

Yamato chuckled, losing count of how many shots he had drunk as he downed another, “I need to get back at you somehow.”

“For what?”

“Well…,” Yamato said, filling their cups yet again, “all the grief you gave me when we were young, for a start. Then-“

Kakashi smiled and stop the other by resting a hand on his thigh. “For a start?”

Yamato glanced at that heavy warm hand on him then looked away, trying to pretend it wasn’t there and that he wasn’t feeling slightly out of breath. Maybe he needed more sake… that would do the trick. He drank another cup, then another. Forgetting now to fill up Kakashi’s one.

“Yeah,” he finally said, “And it’s not like you ever stopped. I mean… just the way you abuse me has changed, but you still do it, all the time. I give you a little bit, do you a favour or something, and what do you do? You just take it and take it and take it. You just drop hints here and there about what you want and expect me to do it. And you know what?” Yamato pointed at him, “I do it! Cos I’m that person, you see. But you know that, don’t you senpai? That’s why you take advantage of me…”

The older man wondered if Tenzō was already drunk. Both were drinking quite fast, but Kakashi had a whole bowl of ramen in his stomach. Whether the alcohol was to blame or not for Tenzō’s outburst, watching the other speak was quite amusing, but not only that, it was relaxing too. He could listen to Tenzō spout about him all day. Apparently, it was a reoccurring theme. Others had told him before that whenever Tenzō got drunk and Kakashi wasn’t around, he would start ranting repeatedly about him. It was the first time Kakashi was witnessing it himself.

“But I haven’t seen you since last year,” Kakashi took the bottle off Tenzō’s hand to filled his own cup. “I couldn’t possibly have taken anything from you.”

“You say that…” he held his cup to his senpai. “But I just got back, and you teased me… how many times? I don’t even know, but loads! It’s been 3 hours or something, senpai, you can’t help yourself. Look, I already had to buy you a drink and build you a tree house. I even got your back fixed and all.”

“I see, but it’s my birthday soon, so just consider these as my early birthday presents,” Kakashi said and filled up the other’s drink.

“And what are you going to give _me_ for my birthday, senpai?” Yamato leaned closer and stared into his eyes as if trying to read his mind. “It was last month. I didn’t even get to see another human being… not even Orochimaru left his hole that day. It was pretty boring and lonely. So what is it?”

“I was thinkin-“

“I feel like I deserve something.” Yamato said and squinted.

 _Damn it._ Kakashi had just said grown men weren’t cute, and then Tenzō suddenly gazed at him with narrowed eyes, lips pursed into a small pout and with cheeks slightly rosed. Everything about him was cute. It was possible that the sake had was to blame for the cheeks though, but Kakashi’s hand was still on his leg, and Tenzō seemed to react that way when he touched him.

“I said… I was thinking I would give yo-“

“It’s too late.” Yamato pulled back enough to drink another shot. “You’ll have to…,“ he went on and on.

_He won’t stop talking!_

Kakashi raised the hand from the other’s thigh, reaching his fingers out and pinching Tenzō’schin. _What on earth…_ , he pulled the other’s face towards him, his eyes dropping to stare at Tenzō’s lips. _Why am I doing this?_ His heart began to race, his blood rushing through his body. _I shouldn’t…_ He was sober, he thought, aware and yet he wanted to shut Tenzō up, he just wanted…

Kakashi closed his eyes and nudged a little closer, pressing their lips together.  
  


…

Everything was gone. The sound of the leaves shaking in the wind, the water flowing down the river, his voice, his breathing, they all stopped. Even his heart went silent. Yamato’s eyes were wide open, staring at Kakashi, as if the other’s lips had magically frozen him in that moment. It lasted forever. He had no air, no heartbeat, but he could still see that his senpai was right in front of him. He could feel his mouth, soft, wet and warm, parting slowly as it pressed harder. The taste of sake as Kakashi’s ran his tongue along his lower lip.

With a jolt, Yamato’s heart began to thump in his chest and he inhaled heavily as if he had been holding his breath for minutes. His lips felt cold as the wind gusted past him, but the rest of him was burning so hot he sobered up. Kakashi’s had pulled back and took his lips with him, how cruel. He wanted them to stay a little longer, just so he could understand what just happened. But now, his senpai was looking back at him, eyes almost half-lidded, his face tender in a way Yamato had never seen.

“You’ve never kissed anyone before…” Kakashi said.

Yamato shook his head. There was nothing weird about that. Yes, he was a few years away from 30, but he was an ANBU who had no other thing in life but to serve the Hokages, so of course, he had never got intimate with someone. He never thought he could or found the time for that sort of thing.

“Did I do something wrong?” he said, biting his lower lip. He could still taste his senpai and that alone made his insides flutter.

“Your eyes were opened the whole time,” Kakashi smiled, “it’s not wrong, just…”

Yamato chuckled and covered his eyes with a hand, just in case he was still staring at his senpai the same way. “How is that not wrong?” It had to be because Kakashi was way too close and out of focus back then. “Wait,” Yamato said, peeking through his fingers, “how did you know I had them open?”

“I looked,” Kakashi said.

“Oh, so your eyes were open? See,… you’re bulling me again, senpai.” Yamato dropped the hand off his face and grabbed the bottle to pour himself another drink. “Trying to make me feel like I kissed you badly.”

Kakashi laughed and leaned back on the chair, sliding down comfortably. It was as if the Tenzō’s lips helped the alcohol kick in, finally he was getting tipsy and hot, despite the draught up on the trees. _It was only a kiss_. It didn’t mean anything, he kept telling himself as he held a cup to be served again.

“I wouldn’t say you kissed me badly, you didn’t kiss me at all. I did all the work.”

“For a change…,” Yamato poured them another shot, “…and you took me by surprised. You can’t just go doing that, senpai.”

But Kakashi sipped from the cup and closed his eyes, his lips still curved in a smiled as he laid there and said nothing. It was only a kiss, yet, it was so different from any other he ever had. Albeit, there hadn’t been that many. As an introvert with way too much baggage, when he did get some down time, he hardly had the will to push past his personality to drown himself in that sort of pleasure. It did happen, but not as often as some would assume. Maybe that’s why he had the Icha Icha series almost memorised, it was easier to just daydream.

The cup sat in Yamato’s hand as he pondered. Never he thought something like this would actually happening to someone like him in reality. He was so focused on missions all the time, in bettering his craft and furthering his skills, that kissing, relationships and even sex were trivial. Yamato was aware that not caring about those things wasn’t the norm for almost every adult, but maybe he was just weird. That said, Kakashi-senpai had a way to prove him wrong when he believed he was so right.

Yamato turned and stared at the other, slouched on the wooden seat as if he was about to fall asleep. That wasn’t fair… how could he even sleep now. The turmoil inside him was so great that Yamato thought he could just keep going with no sleep for the rest of his life. Besides, before the night could end and they went their separate ways, Yamato wanted to redeem himself… one more, just one would be enough.

He put the cup down and move towards his senpai, looming over him. “Kakashi-senpai?’

“Hm?”

How irritating it was when he acted all cool and blasé.

“I’m going to do it again,” Yamato said, finding it necessary to inform the other of his intentions. He leaned closer, his voice almost faded, “Don’t look, senpai…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And because I'm sleep deprived I can't to leave it there~ Hope that wasn't too evil~


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Happy early birthday, Kakashi-senpai.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't belive I finished this before Kakashi's birthday. It unintetionally fell just right with the story, so I'm glad. That being said, it's 1am and I just finished this, so I will probably have to go back and fix a thing here and there when I'm awake.

For someone who was kissing for the second time, Yamato was quite comfortable in that position. It was different this time, he was in control, not of how his body reacted but of his actions. He never had a lot of control of his life and, at one point, he had none, but it was that man beneath him now who gave him permission to think for himself. Kakashi showed him, back then, that he could be more than a weapon. He changed Yamato forever, and he was doing it yet again.

Copying what his senpai did earlier, Yamato let his lips part slightly as he pressed them against Kakashi’s. There they were again, he thought, so soft and warm. Kakashi also parted his. He wasn’t a rookie like Yamato after all, who had just stood there like a tree. The tip his senpai’s tongue met his own, and dipped into his mouth. Yamato heart skipped a beat, blood rushed to his head so fast, he felt dizzy. Yet, he returned Kakashi’s advance, deepening the kiss and hoping it was right this time.

With a sleight of hand, he cupped the side of his senpai’s face, the pad of his thumb brushed over that beauty mark he almost never had the chance to see, let alone touch. They were both panting into the kiss when Yamato was sure he heard Kakashi moan. It was a quiet one, disguised as alittle gasp, but it was clear to his ears. A knot rolled down his throat, followed by a chill that spread all over his body. That was it! Yamato couldn’t take any more of that, and began to withdraw.

Kakashi, however, wasn’t ready to break apart yet. He was intoxicated, his body was light and the heavy weight he always carried on his shoulder were lifted. Even if it lasted that kiss alone, even if the consequences of this would weigh on him and drowned him further, he was going to allow Tenzō to take him wherever he wanted to.

When the younger man began to pull away, Kakashi raised a hand and grabbed him by the shoulder. Maybe he was that person Tenzō described earlier after all. The one who would always want more of whatever he was offered, who would unthoughtfully take more than his share. What a terrible way of being. But after all the losses in his life, was it so wrong to want to hold on to the little he had left? Was that what Tenzō was to him, a lingering piece of his past he wanted to cling to? But, it’s only a kiss, he told himself yet again, as his fingers desperately buried into the other’s hair, selfishly closing around the long strands on the back of Tenzo’s head.

A shiver went down Yamato’s spine when that grip tightened, his own hand tensed against Kakashi’s face. He was suddenly very aware of his body and all those reactions he never experienced before. He had been warm and flustered at one time or another, he had his heart beat fast for several reasons, but nothing compared to how intense this was. He understood then why in the Root they were brought up to sever connections, to deny emotions, because whatever he was feeling now was way too powerful.

“Kakashi…” Yamato said, muffled by the other’s lips.

The grip around his hair unclenched. Yamato’s hand traced down Kakashi’s neck to his chest and he pushed himself back up, catching his breath. He didn’t know what to say and he feared he had to say something if he looked at his senpai, so he didn’t.

Kakashi’s eyes had been opened from the moment he heard Tenzō whispered his name. He couldn’t remember as single time the other had called him by his name and nothing else. Maybe he intended to add _senpai_ but didn’t have the chance, but still, it was a first. As Tenzō pulled away, his hand slid down the other’s arm and landed on his side, closing lightly around the fabric of Tenzō’s top.

They were silent for a while, but somehow, it wasn’t awkward or uncomfortable. They were still touching one another, so it was as if the moment hadn’t yet ended. Yamato opened his eyes but stared at his own hand resting on Kakashi’s chest. It was just over his heart and, although he couldn’t really feel the beat, he knew it was racing just like his own.

“Aren’t you gonna ask ‘how was it, senpai?’” Kakashi said, his half-lidded eyes exposing his drunken state.

“Nah, I don’t need it this time.”

Yamato already knew, he heard in that moan and felt in the way the other held onto him. He wasn’t confident that the kiss itself was any good, but it didn’t really matter all that much. For years he followed Kakashi, wanting something from him, guidance, approval, attention. He knew he sought these after, but was never sure why. Kakashi was so driven, so assertive and confident in the way he acted and spoke, and Yamato had so many questions and doubts. Until those fingers closed around his hair, Yamato believed Kakashi had no vulnerabilities, but his senpai came undone in those short seconds, and he probably didn’t even notice.

“Well… it was better than the other one,” Kakashi said and sat up on the chair, the hand that held onto the shirt wrapped around Yamato’s waist and he laid the head on his shoulder, closing his eyes. “Keep practicing.”

“I don’t know how, only if I use a shadow clone.”

Kakashi let out a tired laugh. “I think I read that in a book.”

“I bet you did, senpai.”

Yamato chuckled as he reached out to touch Kakashi’s head. There was so much he wanted to say but he didn’t know how. Yamato was new to this, he had no idea how to word things. Yet, he wanted to protect this fragile side Kakashi was allowing him to see. He had known the other for almost all his life, but it was clear that he’d barely scratched the surface of who his senpai really was.

How painful that the night was ending, that he had to let go of Kakashi come daylight just as he began to know him.

+++

The next couple of hours flew by and the light began to creep in the horizon.

Yamato sat there, looking at the distance and trying to stretch every second he had left, holding Kakashi against him. By this time tomorrow he would be waking up alone, like always, but the idea now seemed dreadful. Their moment together didn’t have to end for Yamato to know he was already yearning for it. Life hadn’t been kind to him, but he always pulled through, he learned to cope and soldiered on, putting the hurtful times behind him, but he had no idea what to do with this. It wasn’t sad, but it was painful. It hurt him but he didn’t want to forget. It filled a gap inside him he had no idea was there, and now it was about to leave a whole he had nothing to replace it with.

As the sun hit his eyes, Yamato squinted, realising his vision was blurred, his eyes were wet so he shut them. The tears that had been resting on his lids coursed down his face to his chin. Swiftly, he wiped them with the back of his hand, as if they unnerved him somehow. He couldn’t remember the last time he cried, he hardly recognised the feeling.

_Enough._

Slowly, he put Kakashi down on the chair and looked at him one last time. He wasn’t going to wait for the other to wake up. Facing him now would only make his farewell more unbearable. Kakashi wasn’t the type of person to speak his feelings and so much was going to be left unsaid anyway. He took a kunai from his back pouch and carved a message on his vacant seat.

He used his jutsu to create a set of steps and left the other to continue his rest. As quickly as he could, before the streets began to get busy, Yamato went home, readied himself up and closed the door, leaving both his apartment and the village behind.

+++

The sun was blasting in his face when Kakashi woke up. He sat up and ran a hand through his hair before opening his eyes to find himself alone.

_So, he left…_

Part of him hoped Tenzō would have changed his mind, especially after what happened, but another part was relieved. The part that kept everyone at an arms length, the one too scared to come to terms with his feelings.

Pulling the mask over his face, he put his shoes on and stood up, when he saw the carving on the seat next to his.

_This is a monument for those who will eventually perish with boredom._  
_Happy early birthday, senpai.  
_ _Tenzō_

_PS:I’ve made you some steps over there… - > _

Kakashi smiled. He wouldn’t he seeing Tenzō for a while, but he now had a new place to visit. One would bring him good memories.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter for now. I don't particularly like ending things like this, so I will publish a part 2 I think. Cant let these two off the hook without them facing the fells... besides, who is satisfied with only 2 kisses. I know I'm not! 
> 
> For now tho... they will be apart.


End file.
